Seth Vigdor
Everyone knows in this town that the ultimate goal in Philly Sports is for the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Well have no fear guys/gals because the Eagles will finally win a Super Bowl according to ESPN’s Thomas Neumann. However, his prediction came in the form of a “comical” article that he wrote where he predicted some winners of upcoming Super Bowls.
The Eagles first two attempts at a ring according to Neumann will result in Super Bowl losses. Here’s what’s in store in the future for the Birds, according to Neumann courtesy of ESPN.com.
Super Bowl LIX
Houston Texans 24, Philadelphia Eagles 14
“J.J. Watt brutalizes the Eagles with four sacks and two interceptions, and Jadeveon Clowney contributes three more sacks for Houston. After the game, Texans quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo and head coach Kyle Shanahan are fitted with diamond-encrusted grills by rapper Paul Wall. Watt humbly accepts the game’s MVP award and exults, “I’m going to Disneyland! Well, first, I have to hit the gym. Next, I’ll be building some homes with Habitat for Humanity. Also, I need to finish writing my third novel. Then, I’ll launch my campaign for U.S. Senate. But after all that, I’m definitely going to Disneyland.”
Super Bowl LXII
Buffalo Bills 33, Philadelphia Eagles 17
“Chad Kelly finally delivers championship-starved Buffalo the title that eluded his Hall of Fame uncle, Jim. After throwing for 315 yards and three touchdowns, Kelly addresses reporters in freestyle rap. Philadelphia quarterback Robert Griffin III throws for 260 yards, and Nelson Agholor catches two TD passes in the loss. Halftime performer Jon Bon Jovi is booed off the stage by angry Bills fans, still outraged over his plan to buy the team and move it to Toronto.”
But, you know what they say. The third time is a charm and here is what victory will finally feel like per Neumann.
Super Bowl LXXV
Philadelphia Eagles 26, Cleveland Browns 24 (OT)
“Decades of global warming culminate in a Super Bowl-record kickoff temperature of 125 degrees, prompting critics to insist the game can no longer be safely contested outdoors — even along the temperate Great Lakes Riviera. Nevertheless, Rivers Romo passes for 292 yards and connects on two long touchdown strikes to wide receiver Robert Griffin IV. Cleveland quarterback Benjamin Roethlisberger throws three touchdown passes, including two to veteran tight end LeBron James Jr. But the Browns fall short when a blocked punt rolls out the back of the end zone for the decisive safety in overtime. Afterward, President Rob Gronkowski presents the Lombardi trophy to Eagles owner Taylor Swift, who then signs Romo to a 10-year, $1 billion contract extension with $500 million guaranteed.”
So what do you guys think about that? Is Neumann funny? Yeah, I didn’t think so either. But, at the moment this is the closest that we’re getting to a Super Bowl victory, so I guess it will have to do. In the future Neumann should probably avoid the comedy routine.